i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
