ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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