Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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