I will die if light touches me.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
