***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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