my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
