I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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