I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
