OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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