my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
