So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
