I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
