so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
