my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
