he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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