he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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