I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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