I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
