somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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