I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
