thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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