There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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