oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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