Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
