either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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