Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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