Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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