the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
