It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
