Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
