You can't motorboat a personality
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
