I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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