so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
