She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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