Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
