Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
