A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
