No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
