He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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