if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
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