One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
