There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
