Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
