I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
