if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
