I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
