then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
