I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
