I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
