do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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