Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
